London you make us chortle

Taken from Timeout's The Laughter Issue (No. 1866 that sits in my bathroom for the reading pleasure any guests), here's a couple of things that make us chuckle at "the world's most uptight, stressed, maddening and yes, sometimes side-splitting city)"...

- Bus drivers on drugs (That's the powdy, white, mad drugs. Is there any other explanation for how they drive?)

- The rumour that Sir Norman Foster had the idea for the Gherkin in the bath.

- People pretending to drive the DLR.

- This announcement "The District Line is suspended between EArl's Court and Whitechapel. The Northern Line is experiencing severe delays after a signal failure at Camden. The Waterloo & City Line is closed until 2007. Central Line trains are not stopping at Marble Arch due to a customer taking ill. And the Bakerloo Line is temporarily clsoed. All other services are running as normal."

- Ken (For getting away with it)

- Non-smokers sitting outside pubs on Tottenham Court Road. It's the A400 - one of the most polluted roads in the world.

- Guy Ritchie.

- The homeless gent on Charlotte Street who has incorporate teh Catch-22 concept into his pitch "I bet you a quid you won't buy the Big Issue"

- And the fact that you can go to a place called Catford and there really is a bloody great cat there. Ditto Elephant & Castle.

- Watching skateboarders and BMX-ers fall over on the South Bank. Or better still, crashing into one of the people pretending to be a statue.

- The 'nobody can see me if I move quickly with my head down' walk that provincial businessmen adopt when leaving Soho sex shops ith black plastic bags. They are wasting their timne, as all Londoners know the only thing that comes in black plastic bags is hardcore pornography (dedicated to Sarah).

- Names like Cockfosters. Back Passage. Ass House Lane.

- Out-of-towners moaning about the congestion charge, It's supposed to discourage you.

- Tottenham Hotspur: Ofcourse tradition demanded that they lose out on fourth place htis year to Arsenal, but who could have expected them to turn the process intoa Farrelly brothers-style gross-out comedy? (lol x 100)

- Tooting (still sounds funny!)

- Big, strapping, hooded youths riding around on kiddy motorbikes.

- The macho, uniformed London transport teams who descend on bendy buses. You are ticket inspectors - you will never, ever be in the Special Forces. Although you will always be arses.

- 'When everyone stopped on Tooting High Street to cheer on a shoplifter being chased by three security guards. People were clapping and shouting encouragement, I was so proud, I nearly cried' Joe Wilkinson, comic

- This really bad joke: Avoid Highbury tonight becuase there's been a fire. People think it was Arsene.

- The man whose phone went off in the reading rooms in teh British Library, Yes, it was Crazy Frog.

- Terrible cocktail bartenders in mid-level London bars. Particularly if they call their trade "mixology" (x 100)

- South London girls vomiting on bouncers' feet.

- The man with diabolo sticks in Soho Square: clearly jobless, committed to his art, there whatever the weather, all year round.

- All young, white males in Battersea. We're sorry, but you are white.

- Pigeons having sex in Soho Square.

- The hairdresser in Bethnal Green called "It'll Grow Back".

- The glorious, glorious memory of London's reaction to David Blaine and his see-through box.

- This announcement from a driver on the Central Line: "Why don't you stand in the way of the closing doors? I've got all day"

- The tapir (a strange hybrid of anteater and cow) in London Zoo that urinated over an American lady. It went in her mouth too.

- 'Little girls in Peckham saying in esasperation "Oh My Days!" They haven't had any days yet - they're about seven' Stuary Goldsmith, comic

- Celebrity offspring of dubious talent - Stella McCartney

- Celebrity offspring of no talent - Jade Jagger

- PR stunts in Soho Square going horribly wrong as out-of-work actors dressed as traffic wardens/weightlifters/ballerinas end up in genuine fights with tramps. Or pigeons having sex.

- Shop assistants in trendy boutiques. Sulky, eye-rolling bastions of bad manners trussed up like neo-Nazi fashion turkeys.

- Camden Town with its Faux punks sitting on the canal bridge looking a bit cross because there are still three hours to go till they get the train back to Suffolk.

- The Wibbley Wobbley comedy boat (mainly because it's nice to say)

- This station announcement "Mind the gap, this station is Oval"

- John Lewis "It still thinks there's a war on. Not just any war, but World War II. You can buy mothproofer and swimming goggles and wool. In one purcahse, in one shop" Natalie Haynes, comic

- Cyclists being arrested: a rare treat, but worth waiting for.