Wednesday, September 27, 2006

London you make us chortle

Taken from Timeout's The Laughter Issue (No. 1866 that sits in my bathroom for the reading pleasure any guests), here's a couple of things that make us chuckle at "the world's most uptight, stressed, maddening and yes, sometimes side-splitting city)"...

- Bus drivers on drugs (That's the powdy, white, mad drugs. Is there any other explanation for how they drive?)

- The rumour that Sir Norman Foster had the idea for the Gherkin in the bath.

- People pretending to drive the DLR.

- This announcement "The District Line is suspended between EArl's Court and Whitechapel. The Northern Line is experiencing severe delays after a signal failure at Camden. The Waterloo & City Line is closed until 2007. Central Line trains are not stopping at Marble Arch due to a customer taking ill. And the Bakerloo Line is temporarily clsoed. All other services are running as normal."

- Ken (For getting away with it)

- Non-smokers sitting outside pubs on Tottenham Court Road. It's the A400 - one of the most polluted roads in the world.

- Guy Ritchie.

- The homeless gent on Charlotte Street who has incorporate teh Catch-22 concept into his pitch "I bet you a quid you won't buy the Big Issue"

- And the fact that you can go to a place called Catford and there really is a bloody great cat there. Ditto Elephant & Castle.

- Watching skateboarders and BMX-ers fall over on the South Bank. Or better still, crashing into one of the people pretending to be a statue.

- The 'nobody can see me if I move quickly with my head down' walk that provincial businessmen adopt when leaving Soho sex shops ith black plastic bags. They are wasting their timne, as all Londoners know the only thing that comes in black plastic bags is hardcore pornography (dedicated to Sarah).

- Names like Cockfosters. Back Passage. Ass House Lane.

- Out-of-towners moaning about the congestion charge, It's supposed to discourage you.

- Tottenham Hotspur: Ofcourse tradition demanded that they lose out on fourth place htis year to Arsenal, but who could have expected them to turn the process intoa Farrelly brothers-style gross-out comedy? (lol x 100)

- Tooting (still sounds funny!)

- Big, strapping, hooded youths riding around on kiddy motorbikes.

- The macho, uniformed London transport teams who descend on bendy buses. You are ticket inspectors - you will never, ever be in the Special Forces. Although you will always be arses.

- 'When everyone stopped on Tooting High Street to cheer on a shoplifter being chased by three security guards. People were clapping and shouting encouragement, I was so proud, I nearly cried' Joe Wilkinson, comic

- This really bad joke: Avoid Highbury tonight becuase there's been a fire. People think it was Arsene.

- The man whose phone went off in the reading rooms in teh British Library, Yes, it was Crazy Frog.

- Terrible cocktail bartenders in mid-level London bars. Particularly if they call their trade "mixology" (x 100)

- South London girls vomiting on bouncers' feet.

- The man with diabolo sticks in Soho Square: clearly jobless, committed to his art, there whatever the weather, all year round.

- All young, white males in Battersea. We're sorry, but you are white.

- Pigeons having sex in Soho Square.

- The hairdresser in Bethnal Green called "It'll Grow Back".

- The glorious, glorious memory of London's reaction to David Blaine and his see-through box.

- This announcement from a driver on the Central Line: "Why don't you stand in the way of the closing doors? I've got all day"

- The tapir (a strange hybrid of anteater and cow) in London Zoo that urinated over an American lady. It went in her mouth too.

- 'Little girls in Peckham saying in esasperation "Oh My Days!" They haven't had any days yet - they're about seven' Stuary Goldsmith, comic

- Celebrity offspring of dubious talent - Stella McCartney

- Celebrity offspring of no talent - Jade Jagger

- PR stunts in Soho Square going horribly wrong as out-of-work actors dressed as traffic wardens/weightlifters/ballerinas end up in genuine fights with tramps. Or pigeons having sex.

- Shop assistants in trendy boutiques. Sulky, eye-rolling bastions of bad manners trussed up like neo-Nazi fashion turkeys.

- Camden Town with its Faux punks sitting on the canal bridge looking a bit cross because there are still three hours to go till they get the train back to Suffolk.

- The Wibbley Wobbley comedy boat (mainly because it's nice to say)

- This station announcement "Mind the gap, this station is Oval"

- John Lewis "It still thinks there's a war on. Not just any war, but World War II. You can buy mothproofer and swimming goggles and wool. In one purcahse, in one shop" Natalie Haynes, comic

- Cyclists being arrested: a rare treat, but worth waiting for.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Today I...

... started my new job!

... became a guppy in a sea of commuters!

... have gotten used to my new place (which I love)!

... am fasting!

... will probably steal internet off the unsecured wireless connection I picked up at home!

... will break my fast with my little cousin!

... got in touch with another blogger!

... discovered the term "blogger" confuses me!

... miss my family!

... miss my friends and family!

... will pay bills!

... handed in my payslip with work! yay!

... saw an old college friend in the office!

... need to eat!

Yeah... that pretty much sums it all up... Peace xx

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Goodbye Smallest Street in Fitzrovia...

I walked home to my little flat for the last time tonight... The familiar route down busy streets passed too quickly as I looked around my soon-to-be old neighbourhood for the last time... Tomorrow night I'll sleep in a different bed between different walls and to different sounds I won't know...

A year ago I came to the city without a clue of where I was going to live... The flat hunt took one tedious day and one last viewing to make me fall in love with a tiny little flat I'd call home for the next 14 months... I remember moving in my things up those horrid stairs and exploring the neighbourhood with such wide eyes that everything was beautiful until it was drenched in polluted rain... How fast I learnt all the shortcuts, where to get the best fruits (that stall outside goodge street station) and where I can get a cheap cup of coffee & fresh croissant in the mornings I was running late to college (Fitzrovia Cafe on Tottenham Street)... I learnt quickly that Oxford Street is bearable on a weekday morning but to be avoided at all costs on a weekend at any time... That old plumbing needs patience & once you get the technique right your tempremental shower will be nice to you for as long as you need it to be... I also learnt that mice only come when you speak about them & old fashioned traps don't work - those buggars are smarter than you think...

A dear friend wrote something very sweet for me over here, and I think it's a good description of what went on this past year... along with dinner parties, long talks, sleepless sleepovers and lot's and lot's of love... Thank you lulu, I know this place was just as much mine as it was yours - I think we did good here, I think we did a lot of good... :) Perfectly situated in the middle of the city, this place was a haven for a lot of passer-bys, I hope it made them just as much at home as it did for me... I know the tea & blankets helped :) I'll be sad to move so far away but it's time for a change...

It's hard to say goodbye to a home, especially when it gave you the warmth you needed to come back after a long, cold day... I just hope my new place will be just as welcoming as this place was...

Thank you for the memories - it's time to move on...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Beep Beep Beep

Reason why I haven't written - I'm moving... moving house that is, from my gorgeous little bedroom in Fitzrovia all the way to the Isle of Dogs (Dags? Dags you say?)... I'm going to greener pastures (of fake buildings) and bluer seas (truth: my new place overlooks the water & it's stunning).

I'm sitting in my flat right now that's near empty - there are the odd few things that are lying around (trusty A-Z, half eaten box of chocolate dates I'm resisting) and I'm waiting to see whether it'll all pick itself up and get on the tube to canary wharf... come oooooooooon, you can do it...

Another truth is I'm exhausted... I'm knackered beyond control and tired, tired, tired... I've still got bits and bobs to sort out, so as soon as I set up an internet connection at the new place I'll start updating again...

*sigh* So much to do in such little time...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sweat Free Review: Madonna's Tracksuit Line for H&M

She's done it again - Today, we're giving it up for Madonna, Queen of Pop. The world's best selling female artist has now gone out and done something completely random to market her ever growing empire of music slash dance slash children's books slash kabalah slash red string around wrists slash political fundraisers (apparently Madge was quoted saying "The future I wish for my children is at risk" in the 2004 US presidential elections - Wesley Clark 2008 it is then...) - Madonna is now marketing her every so lovely Madonna brand of tracksuits at the Swedish fashion label H&M.

Now, we all know she isn't the first to do it... Madonna is following the string of famous designers who have contributed a cheaper version of their own label as a line for our beloved Hennes... Karl Lagerfield and Stella McCartney have been favourites, and a rumoured Viktor & Rolf will be coming up sometime this November with their own line... True, Madonna isn't even a designer, but H&M's previous contributors have left lasting memories in our wardrobes and not in our wallets and have been one big hit after the other. The point was to get tip top designers to create a line of crazy sexy cool and so fashionaaayble line of affordable clothes for the high street shopper - who wouldn't want a karl lagerfield design for less than £100 in their closet? Big Big Success, in every way...

So here we go: Madonna for sweatpants? People weren't as much skeptical as they were curious... True, Madge is a Yogini after all (that's a female master of yoga, fyi) and she's got the body of an 18 year old gymnast, but what would these sweatpants look like? Would there be cones involved? Perhaps a cross that went on fire? Controversial? Sexy? Damn right indecent? Well, be prepared for none of the above as no one even bothered flocking to Oxford Circus to see the launch of our resident's new creation. Shoppers around the world waited for some excitement from Madonna and were left disappointed: Instead of the cool kistch sexy designs we expected, we were left with dry mouths at the bland and unimaginative trackies with the silly label "Madonna heart H&M". Trackies is what they are - Madge's concert ticket prices caused more of a stir around the country than her line of clothes, and the teenbop/yummy mummy consumer world is left disappointed.

Starting with the display, it was your average humdrum clothes rack at a highstreet store, nothing extravagant, nothing great. The trackpants are going for £14.99 while the sweaters are going for £19.99. Not expensive at all for nylon-mix trackpants at H&M that are made in Turkey. The design is simple, zip up sweater, scrunched at the middle and regular fit trousers that did not feel anymore special on your bum than your average H&M track-bottoms. Nothing special - the outfit comes in Clorox white, black and that dark shade of purple that seems to be in every shop window this season.

And that really is about it: There's nothing more to it. There was no stampede as witnessed before at H&M Designer launches or rush to grab the last size 10 trousers; there was more of a silent shift around the display to get to the 2 for 3 wifebeaters and headbands we all so desperately need. Madonna's design lacks creativity and imagination - There could have at least been a print or a little label that broke the boilerplate copy she's produced. Her creation in no way competes with other now-made-fabulous tracksuits that have taken over the fashion industry, such as Madonna's favourite pair of Juicy Couture's. She could have done so much but instead decided to promote a bland pair of trackies that doesn't say much, if anything at all, about her new disco diva style. H&M can do no wrong in our eyes and here all the fingers point at Queen of Pop Madge Ritchie - poor, poor work.

Madonna's tracksuits have been available since the end of August and the way we see it, will be around until the sales in an H&M near you. Viktor & Rolf for H&M is predicted to come out Mid-November.

"Why is there a Dutch flag outside their window?"

... and other funny things my sister has said while visiting... I miss that girl already!

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